Misato's Revenge
by sentinel28
Summary: What's this? Is Shinji going to get lucky? Is Rei turning into a closet drunk? Is Asuka regretting crossing Misato? IS THIS STORY FINALLY FINISHED? All these answers and more in "Misato's Revenge: The Final Chapter Really! "
1. Misato's Maledictions

_MISATO'S REVENGE_

_A Tale of Neon Genesis Evangelion_

_by Benjamin Donnelly_

_Based on Characters and Situations Created by Hideaki Anno_

_THE USUAL LEGAL BS: I don't own Evangelion, other than about ten figurines and three Evas. Everything else belongs to Studio Gainax. So there. Thbbppt. _

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: And now for something entirely different...remember "Geofront Rhapsody," when I drank too much Dr. Pepper, stayed up to 4 AM, and listened to entirely too much Queen? (By the way, I must have been subconsciously influenced by Studio Sokodei's "Evangelion ReDeath," which has practically the same scene in it, but better. I'm not worthy!) Well, guess what? This time it was Squirt and Bob Seger._

_ Also, it's worth noting that alcoholism is nothing to laugh about. This story, however, hopefully is..._

"Goooood morning, Tokyo-3!"

Shinji Ikari stifled the sudden desire to fling the radio out the second-story window of Misato Katsuragi's apartment. Shinji was a morning person, but it was still entirely too early for that kind of cheerfulness. Besides, he had to go to school today, and at least one of his professors was planning an exam.

Instead of doing bodily harm to the radio, Shinji buttered his toast and sat down at the table. Pen-Pen took his customary position to one side, and both human and penguin began eating their breakfast simutaneously. Birds were chirping outside, the sun was just edging up over the Pacific Ocean, and all was well.

Naturally, that couldn't last. Two doors opened more or less at the same time and disgorged two women, neither of which looked particularly well, or for that matter, alive. Had Shinji not been used to the sight by now, he would have seriously considered the possibility that he was in a bad remake of _Dawn of the Dead,_ with Misato and Asuka Langely Soryu as the zombies.

Asuka more or less had an excuse for looking like death warmed over. It was the third day of her period, something she had informed Shinji of the day before, which had been entirely more information about Asuka's bodily functions than he wanted to know. She was not stooped over, which suggested to Shinji that the cramps were gone, but the disheveled hair, the paler skin than usual, and the look that promised Shinji's imminent horrible death told him that Asuka was not going to be pleasant to be around that day. She mumbled something that was either a curse or a greeting and went off to the bathroom.

Misato didn't look much better, but the look she gave Shinji was one that asked pity and forgiveness. Her hair was a mess as well, and her color had something of a greenish tint. She wore a robe that was old, threadbare, and barely tied. Shinji could tell she wore nothing beneath it, but he was used to Misato's state of undress around her apartment that it no longer bothered him. Well, not much anyway.

"Ohayo," Shinji said, trying to put the best face on it.

"Mmf," Misato replied. She stumbled to the refrigerator, opened it, and grabbed a can of Yebisu Dry. "Damn," she grumbled, "that's my last beer..." She then turned around, retraced her steps around Shinji and Pen-Pen, and returned to her room, slamming the door–but not before Shinji heard the crack and hiss of the beer can being opened. From the bathroom, Shinji heard the shower running.

Shrugging, Shinji returned to his breakfast, putting in two more pieces for Asuka. The latter soon arrived, dressed for school, hair combed in place with the control interfaces that she used as barrettes. Without a word to Shinji, she got her pieces of toast, poured some orange juice, and sat across from him. Shinji thought he should say something, but Asuka looked upset that the rest of humanity was still sharing the world with her, so he remained quiet.

Without warning, Misato's door crashed open with a blare of jarring discords. With the squeak of skidding feet, Major Misato Katsuragi, Director of NERV Operations, slid into the kitchen wearing nothing but a bra, panties, and socks. Holding the beer can like a microphone, she was singing in English, or what passed for it. _"Just take those old records off the shelf...I'll sit and listen to them by myself...today's music ain't got the same soul...I like that old time rock 'n' roll!"_

Shinji turned around and his jaw nearly unhinged to hit the floor. Asuka's toast stopped midway to her mouth and clattered to the floor (butter side down, of course) from nerveless fingers. Misato, her face lit up in pure joy, continued to caper around the kitchen in her underwear, her voice getting progressively louder. Pen-Pen, unpreturbed, simply picked up the remainder of his fish and moved to a less vulnerable position under the table.

Finally, the song ended, and Misato crumpled the can in one fist and tossed it into the recycling bin. She then bowed and rose to her full height. "_Good_ morning, Shinji and Asuka!"

"Uh..." Shinji wasn't sure if he was supposed to clap, return the bow, or move quietly to the exit. "Good morning, Misato."

Asuka looked down and saw that her toast was being devoured by Pen-Pen. "What's with the dancing?" she asked in a tone just above freezing.

Misato giggled. "Oh, I don't know. I suddenly decided to liven up the morning a little. You know how that first can of beer always gets me going." She reminded them of this fact with a monumental belch. "Oops. Sorry."

Shinji smiled–it was kind of amusing–but Asuka was still in a rotten mood, and as was her custom, had decided to share it with the world. "God, Misato," she snarled, "you drink way too much."

"Oh, come on, I do not," Misato argued, turning serious. "I have one beer before bed and one in the morning."

"You had more than one last night."

Misato waved that off. "I was out with Dr. Akagi. Girls' night out, so of course I had a little more than usual."

"I notice I wasn't invited."

"Er...you're only fifteen, Asuka."

"In Germany that's old enough!" Asuka insisted. She drained her orange juice and slammed the glass on the table. "You had a little too much at my housewarming party too, and Mr. Kaji had to take care of you!" Asuka got to her feet. "You know, Misato, I hope that if I do live long enough to get to your age, I'd be a hell of a lot more mature. I know damn well I could hold my liquor better–I bet even Baka Shinji could hold his liquor better than you!"

At that point, the doorbell rang. Shinji, glad of something to do rather than be caught between two angry women, got up, squeezed past the fuming Asuka, and opened the door. He was slightly surprised to see Rei Ayanami standing there, dressed as casually as she got. She was not carrying her schoolbooks. "Good morning, Ikari-kun," she said quietly, as usual.

"Ah...good morning, Rei-san. Please, come in."

Misato took her attention off Asuka and smiled at Rei. "Hi, Rei. Let me get dressed, and I'll take you to NERV." She spared Asuka a withering, this-isn't-over look and walked back to her room. If Rei noticed the tension in the room, or Misato's near nudity, she did not say anything. She merely stood in the kitchen and waited patiently.

Asuka looked towards Misato's room and gave a snort of disgust. "You ever drink, Shinji?" she asked out one side of her mouth.

"No," Shinji answered instantly. That was not quite true–he had drank sake once or twice at Kensuke's, but had never gotten past the buzz stage. "Just a toast or two," he amended. "You know, at your housewarming party and Misato's promotion..."

"Hmpf," Asuka said. "How 'bout you, Wondergirl?"

"I have not," Rei replied. "I've never cared for alcohol in any form."

"No, of course not, you're a frickin' vegan," Asuka snapped, as if that had anything to do with it. "You ready to go, Shinji? We should walk to school. I'd rather not risk being an accessory to a DUI."

Misato's head came around the corner. "That's enough, Asuka," she said angrily. Misato's tolerance had limits, and Asuka had pushed too far. "I may drink a lot sometimes, but I never drink and drive. You're just upset because I didn't invite you with us last night, but you know that they won't let you into the bars here–the bartenders don't care if you've graduated college."

"Or saved their sorry asses from the Angels!" Asuka shouted. "They're like you, Misato–they think I'm just some damn kid! Well, I'm _not!_" Asuka picked up her books and stomped out the door. "Let's go, Shinji!"

Shinji sighed and hefted his backpack. "Sorry, Misato."

"Not your fault." Misato sighed as well. "Have a good day at school."

Misato finished dressing and took Rei to the Geofront. EVA-00 was out of the repair bay and Ritsuko Akagi wanted to run some compatibility tests with Rei. The drive was remarkably silent, which didn't surprise Misato much. Rei was never much for conversation.

Still, Misato had to ask. "Rei, do you think I drink too much?"

Rei turned from looking idly at the window. She considered the question for a moment. "Not when I am around," she finally answered. "I'm not around you at your apartment, however. It's none of my business." With that, she returned to looking out the window.

"Well, you're no help," Misato whispered to herself.

Misato made her way to her office, and noticed a bouquet of flowers sitting on her chair. She picked up the note and read it. _I always did like a girl in uniform, though you look better out of yours. Love and kisses, K._

"Kaji," she said aloud, not sure if she should put the flowers in a vase–assuming she could find one–or toss them into the trash can. Misato had to admit that for once, Asuka was right–she _had_ drank too much last night. As was becoming usual on the few nights she and Ritsuko hit the bars, Kaji had magically appeared. The fact that Maya Ibuki was with him made no difference–Maya's affections probably lay with Ritsuko, and even if they didn't, they certainly did not lay with Ryoji Kaji. Maya was merely the convienent excuse for running into Misato at the bar, and Misato strongly suspected that Ritsuko and Maya planned it that way.

The phone rang, and Misato cleared off some of her paperwork to answer it. "Katsuragi."

"Good morning, Misato. Would you mind joining me down in the Eva bay? I have something to show you."

"Well, speak of the devil and the devil appears, Rits. I'll be there in a few." Before Ritsuko could ask what that was about, Misato hung up. She took one look at the papers that seemed ready to overrun her desk, and decided that whatever Ritsuko had in mind, it would be infinitely more interesting than this.

Ten minutes and only one wrong turn later, Misato was in the cavernous Eva holding bay. The three Evas sat quietly in their holding tanks, each filled with the orange, coppery-smelling LCL. As Misato walked onto the catwalk, she noticed that EVA-00's tank was being drained, prepatory to Rei's tests. She went over to where Ritsuko stood. The doctor was dressed in her usual attire of dark blue blouse and skirt, with a lab coat thrown over her shoulders. She showed none of the effects of the drinking she had done the night before, but Ritsuko never did. In one hand, she held a clipboard, which was nothing new. What was new was the bottle she held in the other hand. It was the size and shape of a whiskey bottle, though the fluid inside was reddish.

"Bit early in the morning for the hard stuff, don't you think?" Misato grinned.

Ritsuko looked at her over the top of her reading glasses. "You would know."

"Go easy on me. I've had a hard time of it this morning."

"Oh? Hangover?"

"That was nothing the hair of the dog couldn't fix. Nah, I'm talking about Asuka. She was Little Miss Super Bitch at breakfast. Worse than usual. I feel for poor Shinji–she probably tore him a new one on the way to school."

Ritsuko went back to scanning her clipboard. "Don't take it too personally, Misato. She's on her period this week."

"I know. I saw what she looked like. Well, you know me–I tried to cheer her and Shinji up a little this morning and did my Tom Cruise impression."

"Oh, God, you didn't."

Misato spread her hands sheepishly. "That used to get you guys laughing when we were in college."

"True, but I'm not Asuka and Shinji's hardly Kaji." A smile flitted across Ritsuko's face. "Speaking of Kaji, I really didn't mean to interrupt last night."

Misato groaned. "No, I'm glad you did." Asuka was right about one thing–she _had_ drank too much the night before. The last time she had gotten that drunk with Kaji in close proximity, they had nearly kissed. Kaji had done his own Tom Cruise impression the night before and followed her into the ladies' room at the bar, and they had moved past the kissing stage. He had actually gotten Misato's bra off and was moving south when Ritsuko had walked in. That had killed the mood, and now that she was sober, Misato knew that the last thing she needed at the moment was to rekindle her old flame. At least that was what she kept telling herself, suppressing the tiny voice that had wanted–and still wanted–Kaji to keep going. It wasn't the beer talking, either. "That lech–taking advantage of me when I was drunk! I should go throw him into the LCL; maybe that would cool his ardor."

"Mm-hm. When I came in, you weren't exactly fighting him off tooth and nail."

Misato blushed and decided to change the subject. "Huh. So what's in the bottle, Ritsuko? Lunch?"

Ritsuko looked at the bottle. "Oh, yes, I almost forgot." She handed the full bottle to Misato. "Here, take a sip–but only a sip."

"Gendo will have my ass if he catches me drinking on duty."

"He won't. Just have a sip. It's from my own brewery."

_Since when does Ritsuko have a still?_ Misato thought. _Oh, wait, I get it...she wants a guinea pig._ She smirked at the doctor over the bottle. _Ritsuko, you hypocrite. I'll fix you._ Misato uncorked the bottle, and before Ritsuko could stop her, turned up the bottle and took a swig.

The red fluid went easily down her throat, leaving a pleasant burn. When it reached her stomach, however, it promptly exploded like an Angel in a microwave, traveling back _up_ her throat. Her sinuses instantly cleared, her ears popped, and the heat rose into her brain, where it burned out between her eyes. Misato blinked and wondered when NERV had installed floodlights in the walls of the Eva bay. Then she realized she was looking at the ceiling.

Ritsuko stood over her. "Are you all right?"

Misato coughed twice. "Yeah...that's...powerful...potent." She blew out her breath with a whoosh.

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Two."

Ritsuko made a note on her clipboard. "Hmm, interesting. You've built up quite a tolerance to alcohol, Misato. I took a sip this morning and had to lay down for an hour."

Misato shakily got to her feet. Somehow, she had neither dropped the bottle nor spilled it. She handed it back to Ritsuko. "I give. Why are you brewing napalm?"

Ritsuko softly laughed and didn't answer. Instead she walked to the edge of the catwalk and poured the bottle into the LCL of EVA-01's tank. There was no noticeable effect on either the LCL or the Eva, but Misato wondered if EVA-01 would have a silly grin if she checked back later. "Um...Rits? Why are you pouring that into the LCL?"

"Like I said, you have quite a tolerance. This was specially brewed for an Eva's metabolism."

Misato's eyes rounded. "You're trying to get the Evas _drunk?!_ Why, in the name of all that's holy?"

"No, no," Ritsuko said, as if to a small, rather slow child. "I'm not trying to get them drunk, Misato. That would require a tank car of the stuff. No, what this is for is to balance the Evas. We've seen them go berserk, Misato, and you remember when EVA-00 ran wild with Rei inside. This will be absorbed through the Eva's armor and circulate, which will hopefully ensure that none of them go berserk inside the bays. It's like how wine is actually good for you, if taken in small doses."

"Ritsuko, I know you're a genius and all, but...this isn't the best idea you've ever had."

Ritsuko shrugged. "Perhaps not, but it's worth a try. It's better than getting another pilot injured or killed in a preventable accident. And before you ask, Commander Ikari approved it."

"Did he try some?"

Ritsuko smiled. "No. One sniff was enough to convince him of its potency."

"Too bad; he could use a little loosening up." Suddenly a rather evil idea germinated in the folds of Misato's brain. "Say, Rits...what would happen if, say, Kaji had a sip of that?"

Ritsuko pondered the question for a moment. "His liver is no stranger to alcohol, so I should think that he might have to sit down, but that would be all."

"And if he had a big ol' swig?"

Ritsuko did not like where the conversation was going, but decided to play along in the interests of science, or simply from curiousity. "He'd probably end up like you, on the floor, but probably not as lucid."

"And if he finished the bottle?"

"Misato, he'd be dead of alcohol poisoning. No human could possibly survive a full bottle of this. You're not honestly considering..."

"Oh no, no," Misato insisted, waving her hands. "I'm not trying to kill him, Rits. I just want to give him a taste of his own medicine."

"And take advantage of _him_?"

Misato blushed again, and scratched the back of her head. That very idea had occurred to her, but it was not the main purpose. "Well, no, not really. I just wanted to shame him. Remember how we did that to Tamiya in college, writing all that filthy kanji over his arms and lipstick all over his face? Something like that."

"Mm. Not a bad idea, Misato, but it won't work. He knows about it; I asked his opinion last night after we dropped you off."

"Damn." _Probably hoped to get me on my ass with the stuff, _Misato groused. "We can't disguise its color or anything?"

"No, sorry." Ritsuko placed the empty bottle back into the inner pocket of her lab coat. "I'd better hide this. No reason to confirm the staff's suspicions that we're all drunk up here." She and Misato began walking back towards the control room. "It will actually take three or four bottles to have an effect on an Eva, but I wanted to see what one bottle would do."

"And to see what one sip would do to me."

"You do have the most knowledge of mixed drinks in this complex."

"Great," Misato growled.

Seeing that she had touched on a sore point, it was Ritsuko who decided to change the subject this time. "Misato, I know it's not my place to say this, but are you thinking about getting together with Kaji?"

Misato almost answered with a vehement no with expletives attached, but then considered it. Ritsuko and she had grown apart since joining the Evangelion Project, but they were still good friends. Besides, Ritsuko was very hard to pull the wool over. "I don't know, Ritsuko. If he wasn't always acting like a jerk and playing the field so much..."

"True, true. But I do think there's something there besides lust." Ritsuko sighed. "This will be hard on poor Asuka, I suppose. She's quite smitten with Kaji, you know."

The mention of Asuka did not cheer up Misato. "Hmpf. Puppy love."

"To you and I, but I think Asuka's quite serious. She's seeing you more and more as a rival, Misato. Your confrontation this morning was not entirely driven by hormones and Asuka's natural competitiveness. She's out to prove that she's better than everyone else. In the Eva, her rivals are Shinji and Rei–that's why she treats them so harshly. Outside of the Eva, her rival is you for Kaji's affections." Ritsuko dropped her voice a little, even though the hallway they were in was deserted. "I probably shouldn't be gossiping, but Maya overheard her holding forth about you. She's convinced you're an old has-been. I think Asuka will make a serious effort at getting Kaji in the near future. I don't think he'll accept, and that's a problem. Normally, office romances don't concern me, but it will affect her performance in the Eva."

"So she needs to be taken down a peg."

"I'm not sure that's what I had in mind...a talk, perhaps, from Kaji or even Commander Ikari..."

Misato was not hearing her. "So, little Asuka thinks I'm a has-been, neh? I'll fix her narrow young ass. Oh, yeah, Asuka, your time's coming." Misato wore a decidedly evil grin, and if she had a mustache, she would have been twirling it in true Snidely Whiplash style.

_What have I unleashed?_ Ritsuko thought, looking at the ceiling for assistance. She did not notice where Misato was looking–at the bottle in Ritsuko's lab coat.


	2. Rei's Reactions

_"Koi ni naranai ne...soba ni iru dake ja..."_ Maya Ibuki sang happily to herself as she walked down the halls of NERV. Today had been a good day for her: Rei's test had gone flawlessly, enough that Sempai Ritsuko had decided to send her home early. Maya was in many ways married to her work, but she did have hobbies. This time, if she hurried, she could catch her favorite anime shows instead of having to tape them. _Love Hina Again and Again, Part XVI_ was on tonight, as was _Dragonball Bebop._

Suddenly, two hands fell on her shoulders, causing her to yelp aloud. She whirled around to see the smiling face of Misato Katsuragi. "Oh, _hello,_ Maya. Sorry if I scared you!"

"Er...that's okay," Maya replied, recovering. "What is it, Major?"

Misato struck a coquettish pose. "Oh, nothing...I just need a favor. A big favor."

Alarm bells went off in Maya's mind. The last time Misato had required a favor, she had borrowed Maya's little electric Tamachan minicar while her Alpine had been in the shop. The resulting damage had cost Maya a month's pay. "What is it this time, Major?" Maya asked with barely enough respect to stay military.

"Aw, don't be so gloomy. I just need you to go into Dr. Akagi's office and grab something. There's a bottle of whiskey in there–American, Jack Daniels' Black Label, except the stuff inside should be red." Misato carefully searched Maya's face for any sign of recognition. There was none, so she went ahead with Plan A. "See, I'm throwing a surprise party tomorrow night at my place...you're invited, of course...and I'm going to bake a cake."

"With _whiskey_ in it?" Maya asked incredously. She knew Misato liked the bottle now and then, but this was going a little far.

"Just a tad. Asuka gave me the reciepe. Anyway, my pay's running a little short this week, and I still have to buy food and stuff, and I can't just ask Shinji or Asuka to get a bottle for me–they're too young. I'd ask her myself, but she's tied up with the Commander at the moment, and I really need to get going so I can pick the kids up from school." Both of which were true; Misato had planned it that way. "So pleeease, Maya? I know you have a key to Ritsuko's office."

Maya swallowed nervously. It wasn't supposed to be public knowledge that she kept a spare key to her sempai's office, for various reasons. One look at Misato's face and Maya knew that the key might indeed become public knowledge if she didn't help. Misato was quite capable of being ruthless as Commander Ikari when she wished. Maya decided to concede defeat gracefully. "Sure, Major, no problem."

"I'll be in the break room."

Misato had to chance that Ritsuko wouldn't get out of her meeting early and run into Maya in the hall, which worried her a little. Ritsuko would find out eventually that she "borrowed" the calming fluid, but by that time she would have her revenge on Asuka, and maybe Kaji as well, if she played her cards right. Ritsuko wasn't so stuffy that she would be angry for long. _Who knows, _Misato thought, chewing on a coffee stirrer, _Rits might even get a bang out of it._

Maya walked into the break room and over to Misato's table. Misato need not have worried, for Maya had placed the bottle inside her duffel bag. Surreptitiously, she slipped the bottle out of the duffel bag and into Misato's hands, feeling like she was betraying her sempai and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The bottle vanished into Misato's jacket like magic. "Thanks, Maya," Misato whispered, winking. "You won't regret this, trust me. See ya tomorrow."

"Um, yes, ma'am." Maya watched her leave, then sat down heavily at the table. "This place keeps getting weirder and weirder..."

Misato hummed tunelessly as she walked down the hall towards the car-train that would take her back to the surface. She took side passages, to minimize her chances of running into Ritsuko, so she had to work her way around the Eva bays. So far, no one had paid her much attention, so no one had noticed the rather large bulge the bottle made in her jacket pocket.

Unfortunately, no plan survives contact with the enemy, and Misato's eyes widened as she heard Commander Ikari's and Ritsuko's voice approaching from another corridor. She had only seconds, so Misato ducked into the first door she found. She blessed her good fortune that it was the Eva pilots' changing room; there were plenty of places to hide. She heard a shower running and knew that it had to be Rei, cleaning up from the day's test.

The blessing turned to a curse as she heard the door opening again as Gendo and Ritsuko came into the changing room. Reacting instinctively–that is, without thinking–Misato stashed the bottle in the first place she spotted, a backpack, then hid inside Shinji's locker, making sure that she wasn't locking herself in.

Gendo and Ritsuko continued to speak about the test, then asked a few questions of Rei as the young girl got out of the shower. Rei was not one for modesty, and so made no move to cover herself as she dressed. (Fanservice for you guys out there. Never say I didn't do anything for you.) Misato could just barely see Ritsuko's back and tried not to move as she noticed the backpack only inches from Ritsuko's left foot.

"I'll take you home, Rei," Gendo said. "See you later tonight, Doctor."

"Of course, Commander," Ritsuko replied. Rei, typically, said nothing, but in horror, Misato saw Rei put on the backpack and follow Gendo out of her line of sight. Misato, sweating and nearly beside herself in fright, waited until Ritsuko had left as well before getting out of the locker.

"Okay, Katsuragi," she whispered aloud. "Think. Don't panic. Think." She took a few deep breaths. "Okay, this is Rei we're talking about here. She's not stupid; she's not going to drink that bottle if she doesn't know what it is. All I have to do is just go over there after the Commander drops it off, and give her the same line of BS I fed Maya. I'll tell her the truth–I didn't want Ritsuko finding out I have the bottle." Misato clenched a fist in victory. "No sweat."

And with that, Misato marched confidently out of the locker room and ambled to the car-train. She continued to hum contentedly to herself on the trip to the surface, smugly satisfied with a rather nifty escape from Gendo and Ritsuko. She'd have to tell Akagi about it later, how three of the smartest people in NERV didn't notice her hiding in a locker three feet from them. Even Shinji might get a snicker out of that.

Misato was still thinking about how much fun she was going to have when she pulled off the car-train at the ground station. The Alpine puttered along for about ten feet before it abruptly began surging. It got another twenty feet before it stopped entirely. "What the hell?" Misato growled. She looked down at the gauge. "Out of gas? I just filled it up...last week. Ah, no! I'm not _believing_ this!" She rested her head on the wheel. "Can things get any worse?"

"Hey!" yelled a male voice from across the parking garage. Misato stiffened. Things could get worse, it seemed, infinitely worse.

"Are you feeling all right, Rei?" Gendo asked as they neared Rei's apartment. "You look flushed." As pale as Rei's skin was, it was fairly obvious when she was embarrassed–which wasn't often–or when she was not feeling well. Gendo had been around her long enough to know the difference.

"I am feeling a little sick," Rei answered. "Dr. Akagi thinks that I might be coming down with a cold."

"There is a 24-hour bug going around." Gendo wondered briefly if it might be something else; Rei's physiology was genetically manipulated, so theoretically she should not get sick at all. This was the first time she had ever mentioned something like it. He considered how many times she had been injured, so it was possible that her immune system was simply getting overloaded. Gendo reached into a compartment set in the partition between the back seat and the driver's compartment of the limousine. As Commander of NERV, Gendo did not drive himself. From the compartment, he withdrew a bottle of aspirin. Rei also noticed that the glove compartment had a small bottle of alcohol of some sort, making her remember this morning's spat between Misato and Asuka. She briefly considered telling Gendo about it, then decided not to. Unless it affected either woman's performance on duty, Rei decided it was immaterial. More than likely, it was merely Asuka's natural bad attitude; though she never admitted it, Asuka annoyed Rei. She resented the fiery German's constant hazing of Shinji, her constant sneering use of the word "Wondergirl," and her general demeanor, which clashed directly with Rei's calm reserve.

"Take two of these and go to bed early tonight," Gendo was saying. "You should feel better by tomorrow morning." He handed the bottle of aspirin to her.

"Yes, sir." The limo stopped and, after a final exchange of pleasantries between herself and Gendo, Rei got out and went up to her spartan apartment. Her head, annoyingly, had begun to pound, and her face felt hot. She had a sudden memory of Asuka in the heat-resistant plugsuit, blown up like a beachball, which brought a small smile to her face.

Rei fixed herself a small dinner and then got to her homework, but her headache got worse. Finally, she decided that she would get no studying done tonight; it was time to take Commander Ikari's advice and get some sleep. Rei unzipped her backpack to put her homework inside, so she would not forget it the next morning. Not that Rei ever forgot anything, but it never hurt to be sure.

Quizzically, Rei looked at the bottle in her backpack, and hesitantly withdrew it. It was labeled in English, which she read. _Jack Daniels'? I do not understand..._ Then Rei realized what it was for. _I see...Dr. Akagi must have put it in there. I remember Major Katsuragi once mentioning that liquor was good for an infection, as it helped the immune system._ Rei sloshed the liquid inside around, then uncorked it. She took a sniff and made a face. It smelled awful, burning her sinuses. Something that bad, Rei decided, must be medicine.

Though Rei had never drank and was completely unfamiliar with alcohol, she had seen Misato drunk once or twice, and knew that it had to be taken in moderation. She knew her body would be unused to the sudden introduction of intoxicants, so she had better only have a very small amount, or she would get even sicker than she felt at the moment. She also knew that she should not chase the aspirin with whiskey. Rei got up from her bed and got a small glass from her cupboard. She put just enough in the glass to cover the bottom, swirled it around a little, and, grimacing, drank it down.

To her surprise, it left a pleasantly warm feeling as it traveled down her throat, but it did not feel quite as pleasant on the way back up. She quickly spun around and put her head over the sink in case she was going to throw up, but instead she let out a long, sonorous belch. Half expecting to see the steel dissolve in front of her, Rei blinked a few times. The sink seemed to swim in front of her, but it gradually returned to focus. Her head pounded even harder, causing Rei very uncharacteristically to grit her teeth in pain. It was hard to think. She remembered the words "take two," but couldn't remember if the Commander had meant two aspirin or two drinks. She decided it had been two drinks, and slopped more of the vile liquid into her glass, this time filling it to a third full. Willing herself to either drink the whiskey or die from her head exploding, Rei knocked it back. To her pleasant surprise, the pain in her head went away completely. She felt herself floating over to her bed and gently falling on it, like it was made of feathers.

"I feel wonderful," she said dreamily, with a smile on her face that would have caused Shinji heart failure, had he seen it. Rei felt very warm and peaceful, and she curled up happily, wishing she could have someone there with her to curl up to. First she thought that a big stuffed animal would be great, then perhaps a giant stuffed Eva, but eventually her befuddled mind settled on Shinji. Yes, Shinji would be perfect to share her bed with. No sexual thoughts came to Rei; she just wanted to cuddle with Shinji and let her warmth flow into him. He always seemed so sad, and Asuka never seemed to help much...

Rei's eyes had been half-shut, but they suddenly flew open. Her smile turned to a snarl. Rei's thoughts had always followed logical patterns, and even with the power of the Eva-level intoxicants causing her synapses to not quite fire correctly, they still settled into a pattern. In short order, Rei decided that she wanted Shinji to be happy. Shinji was not happy. Shinji was not happy because Asuka made him sad.

Therefore, Asuka was going to have to be eliminated.

Misato's luck had improved somewhat. It had not been Kaji that had been at the parking garage, but Makoto Hyuga. He had been quite happy to siphon some gas from his own car into hers, enough to get her to a gas station. She had then realized she was out of yen, but she had her NERV expense debit card, and that was good enough–though she lost more time while the clerk fiddled with the verification machine. One full tank of gas and a cup of coffee later, and Misato was terrorizing the commuters of Tokyo-3 as usual. In time that would have made a Grand Prix driver proud, Misato made it to Rei's apartment.

Misato knocked on the door and called out Rei's name, but there was no answer. Hesitantly, she pushed on the door, and to her surprise, it opened. _Of course, Rei never locks her door–Shinji told me that,_ she remembered. Misato walked into the small apartment. "Rei? Rei, are you here? It's Major Katsuragi."

There was no answer, but there was the smell of formaldehyde. Following her nose, Misato went into Rei's kitchen. There was no bottle, but there was a glass lying on its side on her counter. Picking it up, Misato saw the residue of the red liquid on the bottom, and the impression of Rei's lips on the edge. "Oh, no, no, no..." Misato moaned. In an instant, Misato saw her job and her life flash before her eyes. Both promised to be ending rather soon. Gendo Ikari tolerated some things from his staff, but any tampering with Rei Ayanami, intentional or otherwise, was not only asking for a pink slip, it was asking for a bullet.

Misato's shaking hand dived into her purse, but as it closed around her cellphone, the phone began to buzz. She snapped it open quickly. "Misato here!"

"Er...Major Katsuragi?" The voice was tinged with an American accent.

"Why, it's Riana Arashikaze," Misato said in surprise. "What are you doing here in Tokyo-3?"

"I was just returning from Deus Ex Machina," Riana said, "and I saw Pilot Ayanami on the train."

"Rei? Was she okay?"

"Well, I guess so. She looked a little flushed. The reason why I called was she kind of had a crazed look in her eyes. I mean, Rei's eyes are always a little weird, being blood red and all, but this time she looked really...well, Charles Manson, if you know what I mean. They were kind of twitching."

Misato could sympathize; _her_ eyes were twitching. "Keep going. Did she say anything?"

"Not to me, no. But she got off the train at the station by your house. When she paid the driver, she thanked him for being the vehicle of her vengeance. That's when I thought I'd call you–that's acting kind of bizarre, in my opinion–"

"ThanksRianagottogonowseeyouinanotherfanfic," Misato said quickly, snapped the phone shut, and dashed out of Rei's apartment, knowing she was too late. "I'm dead...I'm so dead..."

It was more or less a normal night at the Katsuragi residence. Shinji was doing his homework, curled up on the floor next to Pen-Pen. Sprawled on the sofa was Asuka, feet up on the table, chomping loudly on potato chips. She was watching an anime, which she normally did not watch, but had settled on because there was clearly nothing on the other 39 channels Misato got. There had actually been four programs that Shinji had spotted that looked pretty good, but Asuka had breezily clicked past them. She was still at Condition Bligh, so Shinji had decided he'd better not push the envelope. Besides, the sooner he got his homework done, the better. He glanced at the anime every so often, but not much: he had seen this one plenty of times.

"Stupid Keiichi," Asuka growled. "Mein Gott, kiss her, idiot."

"Asuka," Shinji said, "don't you get the feeling that we know someone like the three goddesses? It seems like I've met someone like them before."

"You have. Me." Asuka thumbed her chest. "I'm clearly Urd. I'm not a doormat like Belldandy."

_More like Skuld,_ Shinji thought. The doorbell rang, and Shinji got to his feet. "I'll get it."

"Good thing, because I wasn't going to," Asuka remarked.

Shinji sighed and went to the door. He opened it and was taken aback. "Ayanami? What are you doing here?"

Rei's eyes were half-closed and looked redder than usual, and her clothes were a little askew. On anyone else, Shinji would not have noticed, but with Rei, it was something different. "You okay?"

"I'm fine, Ikari-kun," she said with a small smile that got his heart pounding. "May I come in?"

"Of...of course," Shinji replied. With a small bow, she walked in, shuffled off her shoes, weaved a little, then walked into the kitchen. "Is Pilot Soryu here?"

"Yeah, I'm here, Wondergirl," Asuka answered from the living room. "Whatcha want?"

"I have something here for you." Rei slipped off her backpack, which hit the tiled floor with a distinct sound of glass. "Would you come here please?"

"Whatever. It's a commercial break anyway." Asuka was actually curious; Rei rarely deigned to talk to her. If she had to deliver something, it was likely work-related, and important. She walked into the kitchen. "Well?" she demanded. "Where is it?" Rei was kneeling, opening her backpack.

"Right here," Rei replied, and before Shinji or Asuka could react, she had, in one fluid motion, turned, stood, and delivered a haymaker of a punch to Asuka's face.

It was a testament to Asuka's skill as a fighter and her fortitude that she was not knocked cold by a hit that would have flattened most people. At the last moment, she had instinctively rolled with the punch, with the result that Rei only broke cartilage in her nose, rather than the bone, or her teeth, which had actually been Rei's intended target. On the way over on the commuter train, Rei had deduced that Asuka's largest weapon was her mouth, and so if she was to destroy her target, she had to disarm it first. As it was, Asuka went down to the carpet like a poled ox.

"WHAT?!" Shinji screamed in surprise. "Ayanami, what are you–"

Rei ignored him. She walked over to stand over Asuka, who was shaking her head and wondering if someone shouldn't be answering those phones. Rei's face was contorted in a rictus of hatred. "Get up, bitch! Get up!" she shouted. "I'll teach you to abuse my Shinji-chan!"

"S-Shinji-chan?" Asuka struggled out. She felt blood running over her lips and gingerly touched her nose. Rage wiped out all pain and thought from that point. With remarkable speed, Asuka jumped up and threw a murderous right hook at Rei.

Rei only chuckled and caught the fist an inch from her face. Asuka tried a left cross, but that was blocked just as easily. Asuka paled as she saw Rei's mouth spread into a wide, death's-head smile. "I'm gonna hit you with so many punches you'll be begging for a kick," Rei said, slurring her words slightly. "But first I gonna break your hands. Can't pilot Eva with busted mitts." She began tightening her hands, and Asuka whimpered as the delicate but powerful fingers began to dig in. Slowly, Rei forced Asuka to her knees, chortling like a demented, psychotic hyena the entire time.

"Shinji! Don't just stand there–Rei's gone nuts! _Do something!_"

Shinji had been staring at the tableaux in front of him, shaking his head, trying to wake up from what was obviously a dream, a bad one. He swallowed, gathered his courage, and put a hand on Rei's shoulder. "Rei, stop–you're hurting her!"

"Good! I want her to feel pain! I want her to feel the pains of _hell!_" Rei, tiring of trying to crush Asuka's hands–her own hands were too small, actually–instead pulled her right hand loose and let Asuka have it across the bridge of her nose.

As Rei drew back for another swing, mumbling something about rope-a-dope, Shinji grabbed the first thing at hand, a bottle of cooking oil. Silently asking for Rei's forgiveness, he brought it down across the top of her blue-haired skull.

Rei let go of Asuka, who collapsed onto the floor, staggered, and turned to Shinji. Her red eyes were blurry. "Shinji-kun...why did you smite me with the bottle of Crisco?" Before he could answer, her eyes fluttered shut and she fell into his arms.

Shinji handed the bottle to an astounded Pen-Pen, not thinking for a minute why the penguin was standing there. With some effort, he picked up Rei and carried her to the sofa. He quickly checked her head, decided that there was no permanent damage, and propped up both her head and feet. She seemed comfortable enough, a silly smile plastered on her face.

"Shiiiinjiii..." Asuka moaned. Quickly, Shinji ran to her side. Blood was still flowing from her nose, and she had quite a black eye developing.

"Are you okay?" Shinji asked in one of the dumbest questions he had asked in some time.

"No...owww..."

Shinji grabbed a napkin off the table and stanched Asuka's nose with it. There was a cut on her face where one of Rei's fingernails had scratched her, and it was bleeding a little. Since no one living knew how long it had been since Misato had shampooed her carpet, and Shinji had no idea where Rei had been, he decided he had better disinfect it in a hurry. His eyes fell on the bottle of whiskey in Rei's backpack. Obviously that was the cause of Rei's current state, but explanations would have to wait. Shinji grabbed the bottle, uncorked it, dabbed a little on his fingers, and rubbed it on the cut.

Asuka's eyes widened. "OW!" She let loose a flow of German imprecations and curses that nearly caused Shinji's hair to wilt. "Baka Shinji!"

"I'm just trying to disinfect it!"

"Screw that–I'm hurting all over!" Asuka snatched the bottle from Shinji's hands and turned it up, taking a big gulp. She set the bottle down on the floor, and smiled. "There–that's much bet–" Asuka's eyes bugged out and her mouth distended open. Shinji, afraid he was about to be covered in Asuka's lunch, breakfast, and dinner, dropped her like a hot rock. Asuka belched with enough force to lift Pen-Pen off his feet, which wasn't much better. She fell backwards and hit the carpet with a thud, but Asuka was suddenly beyond pain.

"Er...Asuka?" Shinji opened one eye and saw that he was not going to be vomited upon, so he slowly picked up Asuka, cradling her gently. "Hey...you okay? I didn't mean to drop you like that–I thought..."

Asuka's blue eyes opened slowly. She felt completely weightless. Her gaze wavered, shimmered, and suddenly focused on Shinji Ikari. "Shiiinjiii..." she moaned softly.

"Um..." Shinji was not sure how to reply to that.

"I...wuv...youuu..."

"Huh?"

Asuka solved the question of how better to answer her by crushing Shinji's lips with her own.


	3. Asuka's Amore

_(Sorry for the delay and the short chapter, folks...real life is breathing down my neck like the monster it is. And I have this thing called writer's block. Or maybe it's just laziness. Oh, well...here ya go, and I'll try to update sooner. Honestly. I mean it this time, really. Put the prog knife down!)_

_(Oh, and there are some things in here that might be edging the PG-13 warning a little. So if you're offended by the implication that Asuka has more on her mind than comparing birthmarks with Shinji, you might want to skip this chapter and go read "Inu-Yasha Versus the Kitchen." Which is pretty good, actually.)_

Shinji Ikari had often thought about dying. He had dodged the reaper more times than he wanted to count just in piloting the Eva, but he cheated death as well just by surviving Misato's driving. He supposed that he should become inured to the idea, like Asuka and Rei seemed to be. Still, he feared death.

Being smothered by Asuka was one means of demise that Shinji had never considered. Normally, it would have been enjoyable, even given the situation–but that had been two minutes ago, and now Shinji was just trying to get the red-haired lamprey off of him.

Finally Shinji succeeded in prying Asuka from his lips by main force. He gulped in huge drafts of oxygen. "Air! Blessed air!" he exclaimed.

"Overrated," Asuka slurred, and grabbed at him again. This time Shinji was able to leap backwards.

"Asuka, what's gotten into you?" Shinji said. "You're acting weird!"

"Weird?" Asuka slowly got to her feet, wobbling. "I s'pose I am actin' a little weeeeird..." She giggled. "You wanna get weeeeird with me?" And with that, she flung off her shirt. Or tried to. Actually, it got tangled up around her head. Asuka weaved around, cursing in three languages, and finally managed to get her arms. She then crashed unceremoniously to the floor, as it was still wrapped around her head.

"MEIN GOTT!" she screamed. "I'm BLIND! Shinji! Help me!" Asuka thrashed around on the floor.

Unsure of what to do, Shinji eventually went to Asuka's side and helped her get the shirt off, feeling like a hypocrite. He desperately tried to ignore the fact that Asuka's bra (Victoria's Secret, Barely There Collection) was mere inches away. Being agentleman, at least for the moment, Shinji grabbed Asuka's shoulders. "Asuka, calm down! You're okay, you're not blind."

Asuka opened slightly glazed eyes. "I'm not blind? Oh, thank goodness...I thought...I thought...I'd never pilot Eva again!" And with that, Asuka burst into tears. She buried her face in Shinji's chest and bawled her eyes out. "I thought I'd never see you again, or Mr. Kaji, or Hikari, or Pyorgara, or..." and she went on, blubbering.

Shinji had been accused of being slow on the uptake, but it didn't take rocket science to figure out that both Asuka and Rei were acting very, very out of character. His eyes fell on the whiskey bottle. If Rei had somehow gotten drunk, that would explain her sudden desire to fight Asuka–the two had always been rivals, after all, and it didn't surprise him that Rei hid feelings of resentment. There was also the little matter of calling him "Shinji-chan," but that could wait. Asuka, on the other hand, had never cried that he knew of, and the fact that she was currently soaking his shirt in her tears meant that something was wrong. He knew that Asuka had only had one drink of the whiskey, and it was still only half full.

_Got to call Dr. Akagi,_ Shinji thought. _She'll know what to do...I hope. _He gently moved himself and Asuka a little closer to the phone.

"Shinji-chan," Asuka sniffed, "don't you like me?"

Shinji looked down, into her beautiful, watery blue eyes. "Asuka...I, um....I do like you, very much..."

"No, you don't!" Suddenly Asuka slapped Shinji across the face hard enough to dislodge his wisdom teeth. "You hate me!" She slapped him across the other cheek in quick succession, Ryoko-style. Shinji reeled backwards. Asuka raised her hand to hit him again, but just as suddenly burst back into tears again. "But you should hate me! I'm a horrible person...I treat you worse than I treat Pen-Pennnn..."

That was actually true, but Shinji, despite himself, reached out and gently stroked her hair. "No, no, Asuka...you're not a horrible person. You do the best you can. I just wish I knew what was wrong with you–"

"Whass WRONG with me?" This time she cracked Shinji upside the head. "Whass wrong wi' me?" Asuka staggered, then a grin of pure evil spread across her features. "Whass wrong wi' me is that I wanna man!"

"You...what?" Shinji's eyes widened. He was a little woozy, and wasn't quite sure what he had heard.

"I wanna man like Mr. Kaji," Asuka smiled, her face turning red. "But since he ain't here, you'll do, Shinji." She grabbed his shirt and began trying to tear it from his body, while describing the things she wanted to do. Her language would have mortified a sailor, and Shinji had no idea such things were possible with major appliances.

At that point, at least in Shinji's imagination, two little figures appeared on his shoulders. On the left was Sachiel. It gave him a thumbs-up, and said, "This is what you wanted, my man! Tear her clothes off and do her right there on the kitchen floor!"

On his right shoulder was EVA-01. In a voice that was very much like his mother's, it shook his head. "No, Shinji! You can't take advantage of her in this condition! It would be wrong!"

Sachiel fired a purple laser that blew off EVA-01's horn. "Shaddup! He's a man, and that hot dish right there is a woman! That's the way it's always been!" It then nudged Shinji. "Go on, buddy! C'mon, she's already taking her shorts off!" And so Asuka was.

EVA-01 charged over the top of Shinji's head and delivered a flying jump kick into Sachiel's chest. "You shut up! My Shinji is an honorable man! And he has real feelings for this girl–he's not just going to ravish her like some Neanderthal!"

Sachiel tripped EVA-01 and jumped on top of it, rolling around on the top of Shinji's left shoulder. "Quiet, party pooper!"

"Enough, you lust-crazed monster!"

"Old maid!"

"Lecher!"

"And then we'll use the butter in the refrigerator!" Asuka clapped her hands happily, and finally managed to get off both her own cutoffs and Shinji's shirt. She went to work on his belt.

Shinji shook his head free of the hallucination. "Aaagh! Everybody shut up!"

Asuka got to her feet and would have slapped Shinji again, or started crying, or kissed him–Shinji was not quite sure. However, there was a thwack of something solid striking skull, Asuka's eyes crossed, and she dropped to the floor. This time, she stayed there, a silly grin still plastered across her face.

Rei had awoken. Like a ghost, she had stealthily got up from the sofa, grabbed the bottle of whiskey, and smashed it across Asuka's head. She stood over the unconscious German, a look of unholy joy on her face. In her left hand was Jack Daniels' bottle, amazingly unbroken aside from a hairline crack in the side, in which reddish liquid dribbled out onto the kitchen tile. In the right hand was a meat cleaver, which had been in Rei's backpack. "Time to DIE," Rei growled in a voice from the tomb, and raised the knife.

Shinji, with a bravery he didn't know he possessed, stepped forward and grabbed Rei's right wrist. He half expected her to break free and slash at him, but instead she merely stopped, looking at him with bleary eyes. "Shinji-chan?" she asked, confusedly.

Daring to hope, Shinji gently reached up and took the meat cleaver out of Rei's hand. She did not resist. "Shinji-chan, I don't understand. I was going to do away with the Wicked Witch from the West. Why did you stop me?"

"You can't kill Asuka, Rei!" Shinji pleaded. "You're not in your right mind. You need to, uh...you need to relax."

Rei reached up and touched her lips. "You're correct, I'm not in my right mind. I should not be held responsible for my actions."

"Well, yes. I mean, I guess so. I mean, you can't kill people, and you–"

"Hush, Shin-chan." And with that, Rei gently kissed Shinji. Unlike Asuka's kiss, which was an open-mouthed, suck-all-the-oxygen-from-Shinji-'s-lungs liplock, this was a beautiful, gentle, loving smooch. Shinji's higher brain functions shut down for a moment or two, and when they rebooted and came back online, Rei's lips had slowly slid down his to rest on his neck. Shinji thought this was pretty cool, until he realized Rei had passed out, and was in danger of knocking him backwards to land on Asuka. He reached out to grab her shoulders, slipped, and grabbed something else instead.

At times, Shinji's life seemed like either a geek tragedy, or a sitcom anime. A muted trumpet would have been appropriate at this point, because standing in the doorway was Misato Katsuragi.

Her eyes were as wide as saucers. She looked helplessly from Shinji (who was shirtless, his face bruised, with his belt half out of its loops, and his hands on Rei's smallish breasts), to Rei (whose face was hidden, as her head was being cradled between Shinji's neck and the shoulder formerly occupied by Sachiel, and therefore looking as if she was necking), then to Asuka (who was face-down on the carpet, down to her underwear, and beginning to happily snore), and finally to Pen-Pen (who was retreating to the refrigerator and desperately wanting nothing further to do with humanity for the evening).

Misato opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Then she saw the whiskey bottle in Rei's hand. Misato instantly realized what had happened. "Shinji..." she grinned, "you _sly_ dog, you."

"M-M-Misato!" Shinji stammered. "It's not what it looks like, I swear!"

"Mm-hm. Both Asuka and Rei at once. Wow. I thought Kaji and I did some wild stuff when we were younger, but damn!"

"Misato–Rei–and Asuka–they–and them–and the other–" Shinji helped Rei slump to the floor, then turned to walk to Misato. As he did, his foot slipped on the whiskey spilled on the floor, and Shinji went down as well, in a three-point landing–knees, chest, and face. There was a moment of whirling stars, and everything went black.

Misato gasped and ran to Shinji. He was bleeding a little from the nose, but other than that seemed all right. He was lying in the spilled whiskey. _Oh, well, at least it won't get infected, and a little Jack never–_ Misato suddenly froze, remembering Ritsuko telling her how the liquid would be absorbed into the Evas through the LCL.

"I'd better get Ritsuko over here, quick," Misato said, and leapt for the phone.


	4. She Said, Go Ahead, Make Others Suffer

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: I realize that it's five days short of being four years and two months since I originally wrote _Misato's Revenge._ A lot has happened since then, and I've written probably two thousand pages of stories since then…but I've never been able to finish this one._

_ Reasons? Hard to say. One was that I didn't know how to finish it. I mean, Misato got her revenge, right? What else needed to be said? (A lot.) Another reason that everyone who's reviewed this story—all 67 of you—told me that it was so epic a tale (in so many words) that I was afraid that some half-assed ending would ruin the whole thing. And when I got a good idea how to finish it, either I was away from the computer—occasionally, more than 2000 _miles_ away, at an anime convention—or I'd take one look at it and say, "Nah, not tonight," and go write on my Snowbird stories or Inu-Yasha or _Evangelion Evolution._ Then I'd usually just forget the story existed, only to be reminded four or five months later when someone reviewed it and said, "You need to finish this!" starting the whole process again._

_ Well, tonight the stars must've aligned just right. I was in front of my computer, bored, taking a month's hiatus from the rather bleak turn my Snowbird stories have taken and not really in the mood to write Inu-Yasha silliness (though that's something else I need to do). I took a walk to clear the mind, got to thinking, "Hey, maybe Misato can say _this_ to Asuka"…and the result is on your computer screen. I like it, I don't think it's tragically lame, and I laughed while I was writing—which, by the way, is the secret to writing comedy._

_ So, here you go, all of you who read the story. I wish I could list the names of the people who reviewed and kept bugging me to finish, but this is for you—all of you._

_ Now if I can only finish _Evolution _or _The Eva Matrix Regurgitated _or_ Stand Your Ground _or_ The Hunters and the Hunted _or_ The Race of the Snowbirds_ or _Down the Well…

_DISCLAIMER: Drinking is bad, so don't do it, mmmkay? Otherwise, you might end up like Rei and Asuka in this story…or worse, Misato. And you _know_ what happened to Misato._

_DISCLAIMER II: This story is rated PG-13 for mild language, mild sexual overtones, text-based nudity, being gross, cliched jokes, and being four years late. (Actually, the four years thing might be a record between updates. Take that, Michael Phelps!)_

_DISCLAIMER III: Riana Arashikaze is a SI character from _Evangelion Evolution_ who really has no business being in this story. But she's probably bored considering _her_ story hasn't been updated for almost a year now. I need to find a job where I can sit around, do nothing but write fanfics, and get paid for it, but I'm too young to be President._

* * *

Shinji woke to an unfamiliar ceiling. Actually, he reflected, it wasn't _that_ unfamiliar, since he was getting on a first-name basis with the hospital room ceiling lately. He reached up to a mildly throbbing headache and realized there was a bandage on his forehead.

"Are we awake?" Misato stood over him with a smile.

"I think so." Shinji tried to sit up, but Misato gently pushed him back down. "Take it easy," she told him, "you've got a mild concussion."

"Uhh…I can believe that." The room had started to slowly whirl, so Shinji closed his eyes and tried to relax. "What happened? I remember slipping and hitting the floor…"

"You came to, and you and I and Rei and Asuka had a big orgy."

Shinji's eyes flew open. "We _what?!"_

Misato laughed. "Oh, Shinji, you're so easy to mess with. I'm just kidding. Nothing happened—at least after _I_ got there. I don't know what you were doing with Rei and Asuka, though."

"It's nothing like that!" Shinji explained what had happened. Misato sat on the bed and nodded when he finished his story, turning semi-serious. "I thought that was probably it," she said. She waved her hands at him. "It was all just a big misunderstanding. Still, it was useful for me to see what the pilots' true feelings are for each other."

"T-True feelings?" Shinji stammered. He liked Rei and Asuka, but he wasn't quite sure if he held anything more for Rei than sibling-like affection. As for Asuka, that was such a tangle of emotions that he didn't know where to start.

"Sure. Despite all of Rei's emotionlessness, she's actually pretty warm-hearted deep down, Shin-chan. You might want to keep that in mind." Misato smirked. "Asuka…well…she likes you a lot, Shinji. She treats you like crap sometimes because she's afraid to be hurt again."

That made no sense to Shinji, but he had given up trying to figure out the female gender a long time ago. He abruptly realized something. "Uh, Misato…why am I naked?"

"Your clothes were saturated with the, uh, whiskey stuff. It's absorbed through the skin, so we had to strip all three of you down. As soon as I'm done here, you need to take a shower."

"Why? It's probably already worked its way in!" Shinji began to panic. Misato was a damn attractive woman, and the last thing he wanted was for his brain to suddenly switch off and his hormones take over.

"Take it easy, Shin-chan. You were exposed to the chemical for a pretty short time, and didn't ingest it directly like Rei and Asuka. The shower's just a precaution."

That made sense, Shinji considered. Besides, he did feel like he had already taken a shower—in Coke. He felt sticky and smelled like he had fallen into a vat of formaldehyde. Misato didn't seem to notice, but her nose was pretty used to the scent of alcohol.

Misato stood up, ruffled Shinji's hair affectionately, and smiled. "Glad you're all right," she said seriously, then left. Shinji noticed that she had the whiskey bottle with her, and it was full. _Oh well,_ Shinji thought, _if anyone knows what to do with that stuff, it's Misato. Everything will be okay now._ He only hoped that Rei and Asuka didn't remember what had happened, though the Sachiel voice snickered in his mind and told Shinji he now had dirt on his fellow pilots to be used when he wished. That could be a real problem if they _did_ remember, especially Asuka, but on the whole, Shinji considered himself lucky. Being within a kilometer of a maddened, drunken Rei armed with a butcher knife and living to tell about it was a Very Good Thing, and Asuka had neither beat him senseless nor smothered him to death with her lips. Though, Shinji thought with a small smile, that part had been kinda fun. _Still, I'm just glad it's over. That was really surreal,_ he told himself as he slipped out of the bed, found a small towel, and folded it around his middle as he headed for the shower. He hesitated for a moment before opening the door: in the NERV hospital wing, the rooms shared communal bathrooms. If he were to run into Asuka coming out of the shower—or, all the Shinto gods forbid, Rei—he would begin to suspect that reality had warped and he was simply in some bad fanfic or something.

He opened the door and walked in, only to hear a feminine squeak. Shinji's eyes widened at the sight of so much exposed female flesh and meat byproducts standing in front of him. Riana Arashikaze, standing half in and half out of a shower stall, brought up a towel in front of her…too late. "Oh my God!" she shrilled. "Shinji! I am _so_ sorry! I was in the Eva bay, and some Deux Ex Machina LCL fell on me, and…"

Shinji just sighed, and wondered why the author had to torment him so.

* * *

Rei was awake when Misato came to her room, across the hall and down the way from Shinji's. "How are you feeling?" Misato asked.

Rei Ayanami never looked healthy to begin with, but her normally pale skin had taken on a poisonous shade of light green. "Not well," she reported. "I have thrown up twice in the last half hour alone. The lights are no brighter than usual and I feel as if they are boring into my brain. I know that I have 10,457 strands of hair because they all hurt." She looked up at Misato from her bed, and Misato actually felt a rare emotion towards Rei—sympathy. She remembered after one night, when she had managed to drink Kaji under the table in college, she had collapsed on the front lawn of her dorm and held on for dear life to the grass for fear of being flung off the planet. The spectacular hangover from that drunk had lasted three days, and as a result, Misato no longer feared death.

"I want to die, Major Katsuragi," Rei begged. "There are others who can replace me…_please…_you must kill me…"

Misato gently stroked Rei's hair. "Now, now, Rei, that's no way to be. Trust me, I've been where you are, and you'll get better."

Rei actually looked like she might cry. Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Major Katsuragi...please don't tell the Commander what I did."

"You remember what happened?"

"Yes. All of it."

Misato shrugged. "Hey, don't worry about it, Rei. The Commander's been known to tie one on now and then." That was true, too. Gendo Ikari had been a boozer in college; Ritsuko had told Misato a few tangy tales when the doctor was a bit too far in her own cups. "I'm sure he'll understand." _Mainly because he'll probably settle for killing me,_ Misato thought morosely. "Besides, Shinji's too much of a gentleman to go spreading stories. As for Asuka…" Misato grinned at her. "Well, I think you've proven that you're no emotionless doll." Misato wasn't sure that acting like Chucky was going to convince Asuka much, but she would bet money that the fiery German would tone back her snide comments at Rei for a long time to come.

Rei seemed to brighten as much as she ever did. "Thank you, Major," she whispered. "But I still feel awful."

"Here." Misato reached into the inside pocket of her jacket, producing a small flask. "Hair of the dog. This should make you feel better." She very gently patted Rei's shoulder, hoped she was doing the right thing, and left.

Rei looked at the flask for a moment, then unscrewed the top and took a little sip. It felt like liquid fire, but it was good liquid fire. Instantly, she began to feel better, so much that she took another drink, a deeper one. She actually smiled, but then her hands shot to her mouth. With speed Cheetara would be proud to call her own, Rei dashed for the bathroom (_Not the one occupied by Shinji and Riana. This isn't a lemon, you perverts—_Author) as her stomach told her she had just made a very big mistake.

* * *

Misato had the look of a cruel fiend as she opened the door to Asuka's room. "Hi, Asuka!" she shouted, and slammed the door behind her. Asuka, curled up into a fetal ball beneath the covers, only shuddered. "And how are we feeling today? Want some light?" Misato flung open the curtains, letting in the artificial light from the Geofront into the room. Asuka recoiled from the light like a vampire.

"Misato," Asuka whimpered, "please…shut the curtains…quit shouting…"

Misato closed the curtains and sauntered over to the bed. "Feeling any better?" she said in a normal voice.

"No…I have never felt so bad in my entire life. _Please_ quit shouting, Misato."

The Major dropped her voice a little further. "All right, Asuka. How much do you remember?"

"I don't know," Asuka whined. "It hurts to think."

"So you don't remember anything you did with Shinji."

Asuka, who to this point had kept her eyes tightly shut, slowly opened them, and they were filled with horror. "No."

"You don't remember taking your clothes off?"

Asuka's eyes widened. "No," she said in a small voice.

"You don't remember taking Shinji's clothes off?"

"No." She nervously swallowed.

"You don't remember taking _Rei's_ clothes off?"

Asuka's eyes were now as big as Sailor Moon's. "No…oh, noooo…"

Her voice was so pitiful that Misato decided she'd taken things far enough. "Relax," Misato said soothingly. "I'm just messing with you. You didn't take Rei's clothes off, you only got Shinji's shirt off, and you still had your clothes on when I got there." It had only been her underwear, and skimpy underwear that a 16 year old shouldn't be wearing, but Misato considered herself Lawful Good and decided not to mention that.

"I hate you," Asuka groaned.

"You shouldn't," Misato told her. "I think you should take away a lesson from all this."

"And what would _that_ be, sempai?" Asuka's voice dripped sarcasm.

Misato was actually glad to see that, because it meant Asuka was feeling better, but bent down to where her nose was nearly touching Asuka's. "That old age and treachery will _always_ beat youth and vigor." Misato straightened up, pulled the top off the bottle, and turned it up, chugging it. Asuka went as pale as Rei and reached out a hand in vain supplication to stop, but Misato did not stop until the bottle was gone. She sighed, smacked her lips, belched, and grinned wickedly at the girl before her. "I guess some people can't hold their liquor," she told Asuka, then stuck the bottle in her pants pocket and headed for the door.

Asuka's mouth opened and closed with no sound coming out for a moment, but then she found her voice. "You really _are_ a sot, Misato!"

She actually said it with amazement, not with her usual snark, but it offended Misato nonetheless, and she decided to teach the Second Child another quick lesson in humility. "Hey, Asuka, want some breakfast?" She opened the door and glanced over her shoulder, thinking that she was Chaotic Good after all. "I'm having skunk's butt sauteed in snot!"

"_Grusse Gott!"_ Asuka's hands shot to her mouth and she dashed for the bathroom, making it to the toilet just in time. Shuddering after her stomach had emptied itself, Asuka realized there was someone else in the toilet—Rei, who barely stood over the sink, her eyes sunken holes in her face, arms trembling as they held her up. They looked at each other for a moment, Asuka's stomach gave another heave, and she collapsed to her knees, holding the toilet bowl like a long lost friend. Rei slowly sank to her own knees, reached over, and put her arm around Asuka. The other girl did the same around Rei's shoulders, sisters in misery if only for a few minutes. Or hours.

* * *

Ritsuko was waiting for Misato at the end of the infirmary's hall. "Proud of yourself?" the doctor remarked. Ritsuko was not at all happy.

Misato only smiled. "Damn right." She ticked off the points on her fingers. "Shinji gets a lesson in asserting himself, Rei gets a lesson on what happens when you suppress your feelings—she has them, Rits, you know that better than anyone—and Asuka gets a lesson that you don't screw with Misato Katsuragi!" Misato handed Ritsuko the empty bottle. Asuka would never know that Misato had carefully rinsed it out, repaired the crack with some super glue, and filled it with ginger ale, which had the same color and consistency as whiskey. It had taken every ounce of willpower Misato had to chug it down—not that she was unused to chugging, only that ginger ale wasn't very good to chug—but she had succeeded. Yes, she was _quite_ proud of herself. She half-skipped down the hallway.

"And what do I tell Gendo?" Ritsuko yelled after her.

Misato turned and winked. "Tell him…tell him that all is going according to the scenario." She flashed a victory sign and was gone around the bend.


End file.
